up in smoke: where've i been ?

hello hello hello

it's been awhile.

i haven't been around.

well, i have.

but not really.

i mean ...

okay.

let me start from the beginning.

but i don't know where the beginning is.

i guess the beginning is a long time ago.

ages, even.

before i got lost.

back when i still knew.

knew where i was.

where i had been.

where i was going.

these days i don't know much about anything.

it's been strange.

things with me,

things with them,

things with everyone.

it hasn't been much of a summer, yet.

it hasn't been much of anything except chaos, really.

it's hard to describe without going too much into detail, and i'm

sort of at a loss for words.

but basically, there's been yelling, money, music, drugs, alcohol, drugs, hospitals, exams, no exams, late nights, early mornings, drugs, unexpected encounters, conversations, miscommunications, drugs, anxiety, madness, depression, chinese food, chow mein, bars, parliaments, belmonts, b&h, macdonalds, memories, skins, misunderstandings, cointreau, public transport, exile, taxis, sunrises, confusion, ab

andon, recklessness, lies, cheats, left, poverty, abundance, strangeness, love, happiness, worry, decisions, phonecalls, sunglasses, grizzly bear, explosions in the sky, tv on the radio, radiohead (obviously), interpol, ladytron, kavinsky, passion pit, images, cursive, things i wish i could remember, things i wish i could forget, things i wish i could say, but can't.

i don't remember a time where there was so much turmoil in my head.

not sadness or anxiety, just turmoil, you know ?

it's gotten so complicated.

there are so many decisions.

i'm able to be alone, now.

it's not easy.

but it's easier.

i'd rather not be.

sometimes, things have to not make sense for a while for them to make sense.

and sometimes if things don't make sense, they never will.

there was one night that made sense.

the most incredible/strangest conversation of my life took place.