it's time i spill the beans.
it's time you know everything.
well, maybe not everything.
it's really quite novel worthy.
but i'm not going to write a novel.
yet.
when i look back on the past 2 months, i see a huge blur.
a blur of emotions and feelings and people and places.
much like most memories.
but this time, it's different.
it's like looking in a funhouse mirror; everything is all distorted and fucked up.
and i feel like i got cheated.
like i got fucked over.
because summer 2009 was not what i expected.
i don't know if it's nearly time for a wrap-up, i mean i've still got 5 more days.
but i feel like it's an appropriate time for the honesty.
there are so many things i could say about this summer.
many words to describe it.
mainly just fucking crazy.
is it what i expected ?
certainly not.
is it what i wanted ?
in a way.
i want to put it into words that are straightforward.
no bullshit.
i'm sick of bullshit.
basically, i'm just going to lay it out very clear and simple.
in a nutshell
this summer
i:
did drugs
made friends
lost friends
partied
ran around
took a lot of public transportation
got fucked up
got fucked over
got in trouble
lost things
lost people
lost my head
lost myself
found bits & pieces
put said bits & pieces together
[said bits & pieces did not fit together]
connected the dots
watched the sunrise
watched the sunset
stayed up all night (a lot)
smoked many cigarettes (sorry mum and dad)
smoked many joints (sorry mum and dad)
drank many beers (are you surprised mum and dad?)
stood in the rain
stood in the sun
told lies
told truths
stole
cheated
watched clouds
swam in pools
swam in fountains
spoke to strangers
sang at the top of my lungs
screamed at the top of my lungs
had health scares
had scares
got scared
scared
scarred
healed
hurt
got hurt
played guitars
lost guitars
lost my words
lost my friend
drove
rode bicycles
drank iced tea
drank red bull
drank $1 coke
wore a turban
walked far
thought
dreamed
listened
watched
felt
ignored my feelings
ignored everything
ignored myself
ignored others
ignored life
lived life
lived badly
lived well
took pictures
wrote
wrote music
played music
talked
listened
laughed
cried
worried
worried
worried
got grounded
snuck out
escaped
snuck in
did bad things
did very bad things
drank beer for breakfast
ate ice cream for breakfast
sat on a window-ledge
smoked in the metro
made up my mind
made changes
didn't sleep
didn't eat
didn't speak
spoke
spoke too much
spoke too little
was wide-eyed
was wide awake
awoke
awoke the others
awoke myself
fealized
dealt with police officers
dealt with assholes
dealt with hypocrites
dealt with liars
dealt with cheaters
dealt with haters
dealt with obstacles
overcame obstacles
became overtaken by obstacles
failed
fell
fucked up
rebelled
rejoiced
recoiled
removed
renewed
relived
replaced
became replaced
became
grew up
changed
more than anything else.
i changed.
some for the better
some for the worse.
some for the mind
some for the soul.
what i know is that this summer opened my eyes.
opened my eyes to the dark world we live in.
no matter how dark the world is, the sun always shines.
you just have to learn where to look.
and on the days that it's raining, stay the fuck inside.
on the days that's it raining, talk to no one.
don't even talk to yourself.
all summer, i felt like i was running.
running from life.
and i was never able to escape it.
and i never knew why.
and i now know that it wasn't life i was running from.
it was me.
and now that i've caught up with myself, i've never been in a stranger place.
i'm at a loss for words
or feelings
or communication.
but i want to talk.
i want to show you.
i want to show all of you.
i want to understand.
all i want is answers.
all i want is answers to all the questions i have.
why
why
why
why
why
how
how
how
how
how
when will it end ?
when will it begin ?
when will i know ?
when will i understand ?
what is there to understand ?
what
what
what
what
whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat.
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
it's so hard to think about feelings.
i think for a while my head has been detached from my body.
my head and my heart and my soul are all separate.
and they can't function together in a positive way.
all they can think of is escape.
fight is not an option.
flight is the only way.
but i want to fight.
i'm ready.
i'm ready.
i'm ready.
i'm scared.
i'm scared.
i'm scared.
and i know that it's time for me to grow up and face myself.
it's time for me to look into my own greenish brown eyes and ask myself.
ask all those questions.
ask everything i want to know.
if i can ask, then i can find out.
whether it takes me 50 seconds or 50 years.
i can ask.
and i can search.
and my search begins now.
how about yours?
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