what.
to.
say.
i got into trouble.
and now i'm grounded.
and now i'm stranded in suburbia with a toonie and my ipod, watching my mother sun herself by the pool, while my dog digs in the mud of my uncle's garden in DDO.
i rode my bike around this [town?], only to discover the sad sad wonders of suburbia;
all i found on the main road was a pharmacy, a chinese restaurant, a blockbuster, and a gas station.
this is why kids do drugs.
well, there are many other reasons why kids do drugs, but this is certainly one of them.
anyhow.
things are [insert pessimistic adjective here].
but also [insert optimistic adjective here].
and very [insert synonym for confusing here].
my life is a crossword puzzle.
and snakes and ladders.
a lil' bit monopoly.
a lot clue.
some guess who.
risk, most definitely.
cheat.
poker.
a helluva a lot of trivial pursuit.
twister, no doubt.
mmmm, mouse trap.
a whole lotta battleship.
and d d d d d dominoes.
(how annoying are analogies?)
~~~
since i've been writing, i find it very hard to express my thoughts through speech.
i'm so awkward, you know?
i fumble&stumble&fidget& try to spit it out, but it never comes out like i'd like it to.
but i guess that's what being sixteen is (for some).
~~~
it's weird how i'm not actually lonely out here.
i mean, i'm alone, that's for sure.
but i'm not really ... lonely.
see, say you're in the desert.
away from all civilization.
you're alone, but since you can't really have any company, because it's physically impossible at that particular moment, you're not lonely.
however, say you're in the city.
on a saturday evening.
and everyone you call up has plans that night.
and you sit there, smack in the middle of a busy city, and yet you feel SO lonely.
it's confusing, i know.
i'm doing my best here to explain it properly.
the point is, that loneliness doesn't necessarily have the same meaning as solitude.
~~~
a friend of mine with icy blue eyes lent me a book.
a very good book, called On the Road by Jack Kerouac.
it's also a very famous book.
it's a nice read on a breezy afternoon.
it makes me dream.
lets my imagination run wild.
makes me think of journeys and fields and hitchhiking through the mountains.
fleet foxes is good listening for that book.
i always dream of traveling out to the middle of nowhere, with only some music and good company.
just lying in a field, staring at the cyan canvas above my head, the bright blue softly interrupted by scattered fluffy white clouds.
the hum of crickets in the distance and the rustle of the grass in my ears.
the smell of warm trees and the tingly goosebumps that appear on my arms when a breeze rolls in.
it is an image of the freedom that summer used to and always will represent for me that i won't stop dreaming about until it is fulfilled, captured, experienced someday, somehow, one day in my future.
~~~
i don't know what i want.
i don't know what i don't want.
but i do know what i need.
and i do know what i don't need.
and i know that i don't need to know what i want.
because all i want is to live my life.
because planning is all wrong.
because plans don't work.
and when you make plans, you make promises.
and when you cancel plans, you break promises.
and why make promises, when the unexpected things bring so much pleasure?
why plan and make blueprints and write lists and analyze, when you can live?
when you can take a step.
when you can do so much.
or so little.
it's what you're doing now.
not what you did then.
not what you'll do in a while.
it's where you are and what you're doing.
not where you've been and what you've done.
accomplishments?
accomplishments are what you make them.
you can accomplish anything and be proud of it.
that is what appreciating life is.
people think that when you take something for granted, it means not appreciating a nice house or the attention of a loved one.
but i think that taking something for granted is not being able to acknowledge an accomplishment.
not being able to acknowledge the little things that you do now that make you or others happy or that does something good somehow.
it's not karma.
it's not spiritual.
it's not god or some religious bullshit.
it's not your grandmother's wisdom and it's not some advice you find in the self-help section of chapters.
it's being human in the most literal way possible.
it's the present.
the present tense.
and when the present is shit, you keep going, because soon, the present will be the past.
... since we're on the subject of the present, i'll leave you with a lil' sumn' sumn' from my good friend, thom yorke. (new song, WOW.)
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