FEAR / until the break of day - lemme see you make 'em smile

i have this fear...

this fear of being average.

this fear of sitting behind a desk in a big city with no bright lights.

going home to a suburban bungalow and making instant rice.

this fear of going to bed at 10 o'clock ever night.

and waking up to a clock radio blaring.

attending office christmas parties in an itchy blazer and calf-length skirt.

a fear of people forgetting my name and never knowing what i could have been.

a fear of going out only on special occasions.

and a fear of watching my weight.

a fear of all the things i could have done swirling down the drain.

a fear of dreams and hopes and aspirations evaporating into oblivion.

i'm not afraid to move ahead.

i'm not afraid of the future.

i'm not afraid of a big city with bright lights.

and long nights of chain-smoking in my one and a half with 10 people curled up on my couch.

not afraid of a microphone or a guitar or a camera.

or a blank page or canvas.

i'm not afraid to just drive or get on a bus.

i'm not afraid to be.

i don't fear being in love.

i don't fear risking everything to have my name on a shitty poster on the side of a crumbling building.

i don't fear getting rejected or being told there's better than me.

i fear being average.

and i fear the things that others want for me.

*********************************

with one in my bed 

and one on the couch,

the room is alive with slow sleepy breathing.

i am awake.

always awake.

always aware.

thinking.

breathing.

i know that not so far away, 

you are sleeping.

yellow shadows of paper dolls,

like the blue shimmer of the surface

of a clear swimming pool

in the heat of august.

or the reflections off your taxi

in the april rain.

outlines on the walls

lip-prints on the cans.

i remember your sleepy eyes

nearly closed,

you were smiling.

ever so faintly.

so briefly, 

your sadness replaced by pure vulnerability.

the doors closed

and i walked away.

but it was only a little step.

i can always walk back.

i can always stay awake.

i can always stay aware,

thinking.

breathing.

slip

bixi dream