luv luv will tear us apart, again

december already?
goodness gracious, i haven't written a post like this in months.
i figure i'll talk a little about myself and the world around me instead of posting my frivolous poetry.
but it's so personal when i say it like this.
i don't have original thoughts anymore.
i found myself having writer's block for a while.
surrounding myself with good friends, though, and smoking a lot of cigarettes at metro stations.
but then again, tell me something i don't know.
i haven't thought about the past in a while.
trying not to think about the future, either.
thinking a lot about music.
thinking a lot about starting a band.
playing a show in february with ema hanchet at the yellow door - YOU SHOULD COME !
thinking a lot about not thinking about things.
thinking a lot about trying not to think about thinking about things.
thinking a lot about how confusing i am.
not thinking enough about school.
not thinking enough about myself.


i see the snow and feel the cold and it's almost like a whole new sensation to me.
for some reason, it triggers nothing of past feelings.
surprising, really.
but i just feel so different.
well, obviously i feel different.


i'm so bad at this.
this whole... talking about myself in a straightforward way.
i'd rather stand around and sing a song or something.
i feel like this is a confession or something.
like i have to say something really really important.
well, i probably do.
otherwise it's boring.


what did i used to talk about on this blog?
hmm.
feelings?
ideas?
yeah.
but all that's overrated.


life is just one big ____________ ?


[i couldn't figure out what to say about life.]


here's a little rhyme !


coffee for breakfast
cigarettes for lunch
gin for dinner
sangria for brunch




why?
because i said so.


i don't have enough authority.
or maybe i do.
or maybe i shouldn't have authority.
why should i have authority?


why is my mind going on a massive rampage?




you probably shouldn't read this/
that is if you've gotten this far/
the rest won't make any sense/
it's a ramble/
brace yourself/
a cheerful trainwreck is approaching/




i feel like i'm coasting through it all.
watching everything from a distance.
but not really a distance.
it's like it's kind of blurry.
i never really thought about it.
but now i am.
or at least i'm trying to.


i know everyone gets those feelings of boredom and inadequacy.
i think?
loneliness, too.
everyone seems to be talking about "filling the void" these days.
did the void suddenly become bigger or is everyone simultaneously just realizing it's there?
either way, it's a good thing to make people aware that everyone has it.
and if you think you don't, YOU'RE WRONG.
that's why we're here, for fuck's sake.
to fill the fucking void ! 
(and other things).
i thought that maybe every time something happy happens, a little drop trickles into the void, filling it ever so slightly. 
and that eventually, when there are enough little things, your void is full.
and then i was like, 
wait no.
that's dumb.
because when something shitty happens, EVERYTHING comes draining out.
pouring out.
your void is even more empty than it already was before.
then is the void really fillable?
can your need for something more ever be satiated?
can love, sex, drugs, family, friends, music, art, money, etc. ever make you happy?
does the void even exist?
i don't know.
but what i do know for now, 
is that the void is quite empty.
safe for a few drops of good that have collected over the past while.
and for that, 
i thank those who deserve thanks.
and to the rest of you,
GOOD FUCKING LUCK, MATES !






no more personal personal posts from now on.
they're like drinking and sharpies ; it always ends messy.