nighttime

hi.
it's been a while.
i just walked to the old port from saint urbain and mont-royal and i'm dead.
i got catcalled by sketchy lebanese guys in vans, and i had my exacto knife ready for action
(my mum gave it to me, the batcase that she is, to protect myself because there were muggings in the area).
it was gorgeous and mild, but windy as fuck.

i haven't been posting much lately... i guess i just haven't been inspired to write.

i've been thinking a lot, recently.
thinking feels good, again.
i like the feeling of putting on deafeningly loud music and lying in my dark bedroom, dreaming and contemplating and feeling and exploring the depths of my mind.

it's becoming easier for me to do that.
i feel like i've been equipped with a little headlight that miners wear.
a little headlight that lets me explore the caverns and grottos burrowed deep within the twists and turns and cavities of my brain.
sometimes it's nice, sometimes it's too much to handle.
but most of the time, it feels good.
i learn.
i have the capacity to learn.
i think that for a long time, i didn't have that capacity.
or maybe i just didn't want to accept it.
either way, i now have it.

i realized that i don't want to waste my time worrying and being scared and feeling anxious and sad and grim.
i'm tired of arguing.
and i'm tired of being phony and fake and befriending people not because i like them, but because it's convenient.
when you think about it, too many friendships are based more on convenience than anything else.
we're teenagers, it's normal.
but more and more, our friendships are based on drugs, and smoking, and whoever is free to hang out.
not who you like, and who is interesting, and who you want to have a conversation with.
i think it's sad.
i think it's sad that we've all got those friends that we don't particularly want to hang out with, but "what the fuck else are gonna do?".

running away, fairweather friends, joint out back,
it's all a part of it.
but sooner or later, it's time to grow up.
it's time to grow up and grow out of settling for whatever,
because you don't deserve any better.

it's how it goes.

it was nice spilling some baggage.

have a lovely evening/day.

see you at the tams !

xx