years later in an alternate universe

yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaars have gone by.

i'm older but i don't feel it.
18 now.
put out a cigarette in a small ashtray in my father's house in ndg.
a different one.
not the one on melrose.

i feel terrible most of the time.
i'm finally on antidepressants.
http://bodyandhealth.canada.com/drug_info_details.asp?channel_id=0&brand_name_id=1924&relation_id=11573&page_no=2

it feels like i'm wrapped in bubble wrap or something.
i feelings are covered in bandaids.
except for when i get angry.
irritability is a side effect.
i don't remember much, and i feel like i don't register much in the moment either.
i don't care about sex anymore, either.
my dreams are vivid and realistic and confusing.
sometimes the lines get blurred between dreams and reality.
i remember the colours well.
and the feelings.
i have more emotions in my dream life than in my waking life.
i grind my teeth at night, too.
sometimes it gets really bad.
whoever i'm sleeping next to wakes me up those nights.

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i don't know what else to say.
i'm completely in denial about all the troubling events in my life right now.
there are a lot.
and i can't deal with them.
it's strange,
there's a voice at the back of my mind
telling me that all this will be easier if i smoke less pot.

huh.

i need time to collect my thoughts. this is definitely a good start for me, though.

i'm glad this page is still here.