fuck'd

b is for blog

u is for uberanalyzed

l is for luna

l is for lost

s is for scared

h is for help

i is for I

t is for trouble  -------> 

i fe ee e  e ee  e el it

it's harsh & abstract & confusing & overwhelming & strange

& it's nothing i can help

few things can make it stop.

no drugs or alcohol or people

it's not a security you feel from an alarm system or a big smile.

it's not clothes you can tug at or makeup you can slather on to mask your imperfections.

it's not heels you can't walk in or smoke you can blow in rings up into the night sky.

it's not tangible or recognizable like a friend or a relative.

it's a feeling of pulling.

pulling you in; pulling you out.

pulling you east west north south away away away away away.

pulling you deep into yourself and farther from your mind.

shunning you for thinking thoughts and putting other poisonous ones into your head.

watching waiting spying like a hawk.

listening to everything.

judging your every move.

almost controlling you from a distance.

a distance close & far at the same time.

it tightens it's grasp around you.

around your entire body.

like a boa constrictor.

until you have nowhere to go.

& away is not an option.

when the going gets tough; you stay fucking put.

when the clouds move in and the sun hides away, you left your umbrella at home.

when all you've got is 4 and it costs 5, your extra dollar went to that hobo on the corner.

and you feel it.

and it feels like shit.

cause it comes from inside not out.

and you know that once it comes out, it's not going back in.

it's draining.

there's never a moment when you don't doubt yourself; never a moment in peace.

you're always fixing your hair, and looking around.

looking down and watching the others.

laughing softly at all the right jokes.

never too hard, and never looking puzzled, even when they're not funny.

trying to be cool, and never hugging too long.

filling the silence with funny comments and accents.

making sure not to trip.

making sure to sound smart.

making sure to make just the right amount of eye contact.

making sure to be polite.

making sure to be someone you're not.

and making sure to hide those insecurities that are so crippling, so fucking scary, so absolutely fucking crazy that you feel like you could crack at any given moment, so well that people will never know.

and the assumptions they make about you and your funny comments are completely and utterly 

f a l s e.

spl@t

uh-0h.

da f33lin' is gettin' closah and closah.

and i don't like it very much.

i feel it like a knot.

like a blender; the blade spinning faster & faster.

revving my engine, until i blow a fuze. 

it's been awhile since it's been here.

and it's back.

not quite; but nearly.

trying to distract myself.

it's working.

no pictures today.

sadly.

gnight .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBFFLakDd3w

can't u f33l the kn!fe ?

too tired to even move; 

can barely keep my eyes open.

i feel like i'm surfing on a tidal wave; so close to falling off the board.

everywhere feels like a big empty space full of people just put here to fill it up.

people talking; just another way to waste time.

what are they waiting for?

whose time are they wasting?

aren't our emotions just a chemical  reaction in our brains ?

if drugs can recreate or counteract emotions, then a short up there can make it all go wrong.

and it does.

isn't that a chemical imbalance?

tunnel vision

(p.s. how many pictures do i have like this???)

artificial flavour.

artificial color.

artificial happy.

artificial sad.

artificial everything.

we live in a world where any

thing/one can f00l you.

where no one is who they say and nothing is what it seems.

where mind takes over body & soul and everything is rationalized analyzed & criticized until any element of mystery or surprise is sucked out.

is0lation

***

went to dan deacon last week.

it was great; had to leave early, though.

kerrfewz.

w0rd (syd) on da street

got to see the tourbus; converted schoolbus painted psychedelic.

talked to the frontman of da opening band.

he was great.

and really fucking high.

dis is him: 

the tin man

p.s. fuck high school.

p.p.s. boards of canada.

suckaz

gotta keep track o' you

i've no idea what i am talking about

where

when

how

who

why

i'm up in the clouds

(so out of place)

it's all up here.

except sometimes it's not.

like, right now.

it's grey, it's bleak, it cloudy and awful and weird.

it's cold.

in here.

saturday night was good.

those good moments, split seconds tha

t you try and store so carefully in a place that you can revisit when you need to.

most of the time, they get lost.

things are so vivid sometimes; colors, patterns, s

oun

ds, noises, smells, voices, faces, feelings.

and sometimes they are so vague; those same t

hings just seem like a blur, one big giant blurry mess. 

like a fog.

a fog where you stand, and the longer you stand, the thicker the fog becomes, and the more detached you find yourself becoming.

it's like being lost in your own head.

you know those strange drea

ms w

here you're with someone really familiar, someon

e you trust blindly, someone so close to you is there, and then the next second they've turned into a monster or an alien or something and suddenly they want to kill you.

and then you wake up and you don't understand what happened.

but what's scarier, dreams or reality?

some things need time, like a slow-roasting chicken.

or a bruise.

and some things need more than time, like a broken leg needs a cast.

or a tear needs tape.

it's like when you look out of the window

 of a tall building, and you feel like you're just in a floating room, because you can't see the ground.

but maybe it's just boards of canada doing that to me.

it's like when sydney was tapping my knee and i had no reflexes.

i have no reflexes.

and the ones i do, are just out of control.

like if you tap my knee, my arm will flail about frantically.

frantic |ˈfrantik|adjectivewild or distraught with fear, anxiety, or other emotion
calm |kä(l)m|adjective(of a person, action, or manner) not showing or feeling nervousness, anger, or other emotions

what?
i don't know.

your tainted heart, my tainted love, repent now

walk in silence  (no photoshop)

Chaos all around ! ! !

Things be so crazy right now

.

I don't even know how to explain.

I'm so void of energy/emotions and so full of confusion/anxiety.

Grasping the gist of my thoughts used to be easier.

Now it's like finding Waldo ! ! !

http://whereswaldo.com/fankit/graphics/IntlManOfLiterature/Scenes/DepartmentStore.jpg

Maybe I'm less miserable?

Maybe I'm more tired?

Maybe I'm too busy?

Maybe I'm just lacking communication with myself.

I used to be so capable of expressing myself.

In an albeit strange and sporadic way.

But now I can't focus on a single thang.

Boy, oh boy... 

Not even the sweet voice of Thom Yorke can console me.

I leave my window open all the time now, since it's nice and warm; and my neighbors have a sort of koi pond with a little bitty waterfall.

And that sound at night of water trickling is so soothing.

You know what sucks?

All the pictures I wanted to upload are on an external drive hidden somewhere in my father's things.

So all you get is a lame-o picture of Syd and I at a party (don't lie; you know it's lame-o) and a sweet-ass picture of some ghosts named Alice and Alex.

ghosts (no photoshop)

happy camperz

***

under the influence (no photoshop)

Things have been strange.

Lots of social interaction ; but that's not why !

Things have been rocky?

Things have been confusing.

Things have been hard to deal with.

Stressful.

Bizarre.

Musical.

Literal.

Figurative.

Final.

Determining.

Mature.

Immature.

Poor.

Rich.

Memorable.

On videotape (fo' realz, I have it all there in redbluegreen).

Blank.

Undecided.

Deep.

Dark.

Light.

Sunny.

Bright.

Hopeful.

Spring-y.

Floral.

Abundant.

Lacking.

Lost.

Disorienting.

Fleeting.

Extensive.

Eternal.

Boring.

Exciting.

( a d j e c t i v e   o v e r l o a d  -> now i have a pain in the brain.)

23 seconds, all things we love will die 

watch me fall like dominoes (no photoshop)

goodnight.

feels good to get it outta the system, you know?

? ? ? ? ?

forget about your house of cards

Help!

I'm uninspired.

It's dreadful.

And it's been going on far too long.

somewhere i'm not, scatterbrain

P.s. I've started using proper capitalization again... Isn't that exciting?