oh the places you'll go (the first in this new series)
la petite sonia
prepackaged you
pull/pulk revolving doors
ah
i was in the metro, alone.
and i started to think ; am i at peace?
am i ever at peace?
will i ever be at peace (besides when i'm dead ... and even then) ?
it's not negative.
but i was just sitting.
on the floor of lionel-groulx.
waiting for the flash of blue and beige and the swoosh noise of the sliding doors.
and i was feeling.
nothing.
well, almost nothing.
someone knocked on the door in my head.
"let me in, let me in! or i'll huff and i'll puff and i'll blow your house down!"
said the voice behind the door.
and all i could think of was NO.
and i just said no.
and i sat.
and i felt ok.
alone, and ok.
and really, honestly, when does that ever happen?
i wasn't sad or happy or angry or confused.
i was sort of just there.
staring at the orange and yellow spots on the floor.
looking around.
taking it all in.
the best part was, i wasn't inebriated in the least.
just thinking clear.
not thinking hard.
not letting the big bad wolf into my head to fuck it all up.
[insert radiohead reference here]
and it felt okay; not too scary.
i wasn't in denial.
[insert second radiohead reference here]
i wasn't pretending.
or trying to be anything else.
for the first time in well, ever, i almost felt like luna malka.
for a split second, i blinked and i was almost me.
not old me or new me or any me other than the actual me that i'm supposed to have been born as.
it wasn't good ... or bad.
it was like, okay, so now what?
but not now what as in, i need a plan.
now what, as in, i'm one step closer to being able to tackle this.
now what as in, i reeled the rope in a little tiny bit.
[insert third radiohead reference here]
it was like, in new brunswick, on the boat, we did this thing to check the salinity of the water, and you had to put this device on this looo o oo o o o ooo o o ong cord into the water and then you'd reel it in slowly and check the salinity at each meter.
and it sort of felt like the rope was coming in like, a milimeter.
i can talk now.
and be.
and express myself in an (almost) sane way.
but not quite.
it's not some kind of epiphany or revelation.
it's not something that suddenly occurred to me.
it's not immunity.
or sudden maturity.
or anything of the sort.
it's just for the first time ever, i could actually be alone and be okay with it.
not have to distract myself or be angry or frustrated or stressed out.
(it probably helped that my phone was off ?)
and really i could just keep going on and on and on about it, but i don't really feel the need to.
i mean, who am i doing this for (writing, i mean)?
me.
i don't do this for anyone else.
i don't take pictures for anyone else.
i don't care!
of course, it's nice to share thoughts and ideas and images and art and life, but i share with the people that want to share.
people with an open mind.
people who want to know, who are curious, who are willing to take a step out of the big box that everyone seems to be trapped in and look around.
dream, imagine, admire.
watch, learn, invent.
observe, listen, explore.
interpret, think about, contemplate.
that's why i do what i do.
not to piss people off, not to force ideas upon people.
not to entertain people.
not to be judged upon.
just to put it out there.
for the world to stumble upon.
and for those who want to do all those things.
for those who want to step out of their big bubble and take a minute to look around and not just be pleasantly ignorant and in denial of all the big things out there.
it's okay to dream.
it's okay to explore.
it's okay to be and to find and be amazed.
it's okay to not be uptight and straight-laced and shut in.
to take a minute and back away from everything and just be like, okay, so this is the world.
we all live in the world.
we're all here.
so why not enjoy it while it lasts?
why not take the time to get to know it?
to be here and there and everywhere?
it's okay to waste a day.
it'll be made up for one day.
it's okay to think for a minute.
and it's also okay not to.
because just thinking all the time isn't good.
you start to overanalyze and overthink and turn everything into something so much more complicated than it really is.
that's not to say that life is not complex.
oh, life is plenty complex.
and no one can ever quite understand it.
but why try and understand it?
why be stuck in the bubble or the box?
it's called being trapped for a reason.
it's sad that the box exists.
but if it didn't, then how would we know what's really living?
reality can never be real.
reality is not tangible.
dreams are.
you can follow them, chase them, see them, talk about them.
but reality is just there.
sort of maybe happening; sort of maybe not.
don't get me wrong; i'm not being optimistic.
or pessimistic.
i'm almost sort of being objective.
but really, honestly, who the fuck cares?
things come & go.
people come & go.
one day you'll forget all about me.
you'll forget all about this.
you'll forget you even read anything remotely close to this.
but that's what life is.
it's made up of teeny tiny events that in the long run, are just details of a big big big picture.
little particles that make up a huge memory.
if you remembered everything; dwelled on every tiny thing that occurred;
how would you possibly be able to do anything else?
it's not living in the past; it's being stuck in a moment; but a moment so big and so strong that you wouldn't be able to be in any other moment.
it's lovely, really, to be able to toss it away for a bit.
to empty your baggage and load up some new baggage.
packing lighter and lighter every single time.
it's not forgetting; no!
who would want to forget?
no matter how bad it is, you still want to remember.
it's moving on.
moving forward.
coming to terms with yourself and the world.
of course, no one ever does it.
it's very close to impossible.
but you can try.
and you can do the best you can.
[insert yet another radiohead reference here]
and if you fail, then fuck.
but you make up for it.
some way or another.
you make up for everything.
most of the time.
there will always be those little things you can't make up for.
those little things that stay in the back of your mind.
that turn into regrets.
regrets are part of that baggage.
but everyone has regrets.
even those who tell you that regretting is futile.
that they don't regret; it's a waste of time!
they do.
we all do.
but that's the way it is.
and that's the way it'll always be.
it's human nature.
just the same way that people will always lie, and steal and cheat.
and there's no way to be immune.
what a joke.
in a couple of hours; i'll be back to my pessimistic ways.
until then, i think i'll just be contemplative & far too talkative.
sigh.
smirk.
frown.
horrid horrid sights one can see.
but one mustn't dwell.
one must keep on fuckin' truckin'.
staring at the shadows on my ceiling is where i'll find myself in a few minutes.
i'm well-due for some quality ceiling-staring.
so this'll give you something to munch on for a while.
(quite possibly too much?)
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