ugh

i'm not in the mood to be poetic.

i'm fed up.

and irritated.

and my fucking camera is broken.

why the fuck does my camera have to be broken ?

really?

REALLY?

and you know that feeling of like not knowing what to do with yourself?

it's like anxiety mixed with boredom mixed with restlessness mixed with sadness mixed with denial ?

yeah, i realized that that's loneliness.

being lonely isn't fun.

and sometimes, no matter how many people i'm with, it doesn't change the empty feeling inside.

"i'm lost at sea, don't bother me."

radiohead - in limbo

i just feel fake and phony and like a big fat liar sometimes.

it's so easy to put on an act.

to just snap your fingers and smile and be some jolly party animal, when really all you want to do is drink yourself silly and get the fuck outta town.

it's not even like a mask, it's like a legitimate other person.

today, we wrote down all the things we wanted to go away on a piece of paper and wrote "PROBLEMS" in big.

i took a lighter to the paper and watched it burn.

first it didn't want to light.

and then it caught.

and it turned to embers and blew away.

and i said, wow, if only it were that easy.

right?

***

i shouldn't be this tired.

it's fucking summer.

well, not quite.

with all the fucking rain ?

yeah, okay.

***

i finished all three seasons of skins.

so should you.

it's really the best show ever.

***

i'm totally avoiding the point.

word of the day :

evade |iˈvād|

verbescape or avoid, esp. by cleverness or trickery : friends helped him to evade capture for a time | he tried to kiss her, but she evaded him.• (of an abstract thing) elude (someone) : sleep still evaded her.• avoid giving a direct answer to (a question) : he denied evading the question.• avoid dealing with or accepting; contrive not to do (something morally or legally required) : difficulties to be faced and not evaded.• escape paying (tax or duty), esp. by illegitimate presentation of one's finances.• defeat the intention of (a law or rule), esp. while complying with its letter.DERIVATIVESevadable |əˈveɪdəbəl| |iˈveɪdəbəl| adjectiveevader |əˈveɪdər| |iˈveɪdər| nounORIGIN late 15th cent.: from French évader, from Latin evadere, from e- (variant of ex-) ‘out of’ + vadere ‘go.’

okay, so basically, i just need to get away for awhile.

yeah?

sorry i'm complaining so much ...

i know it's extremely annoying.

i'm just venting.

go listen to explosions in the sky, tv on the radio, fleet foxes, radiohead, etc.

bonne nuit.

xx