mirror mirror on the wall who is pale and sad and tall ?

recent thoughts :


metal nose hook
frostnibble
tidal waves at my doorstep
black & white
freezing vs. burning
change
routine
stability
music
distortion
sigmund freud
childhood
inner monologues when showering
animal collective
lying; considerate vs. conceited
fame vs. fortune
cold wind
51
psychological fist-fight
alcohol as an excuse for [insert ANYTHING here ]
antonyms
jack white
pointing at someone while you laugh is funny
fringe
fashion blogs
bleaching my hair
if there was a fire in the barn...
thom yorke speaks to my soul
i wish i could go back a few years
drum smells like bacon (my hair smells like drum/bacon)
a cracked glass bottle ; very obvious imperfection
iso 800




i'm having trouble writing anything of substance tonight.
maybe it's my surroundings. 
i need a change of scenery.




i know this song is centuries old, but it's beautiful and i'm listening to it.

vino blanko y tabako

[i've got this series of bad-quality photobooth pictures of me smoking cigarettes in different situations. i think i might post it next time.]


play it out like a movie,
he said.
but don't plan it out,
he warned.
watch your mouth,
she cried.
pass the joint,
he demanded.
play that song,
she pleaded.
what's it about,
he asked.
sweet dreams,
he whispered.
pretend it's you,
she reasoned.
around 11 o'clock,
he reckoned.
i'll write,
he promised.
he likes you,
she assured. 
don't tell anyone,
he threatened.
it's snowing,
she yelled.
it was like magic,
he recounted.
she died,
he declared.
i loved you,
he uttered.
be careful,
he muttered.


goodbye,
they replied.






PLAYLIST O' THE DAY :


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zH2ubTDV8D4



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-BEqvrS24s



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfcHq0hhFWg&feature=rec-LGOUT-real_rev-rn-3r-5-HM



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCvps-inKa8 



 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLofhr7F7TY&feature=related



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Jma6Ojg2Vg



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAWurnyKZUM&feature=related



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zh7UFi2b9xU



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wE7Yj7RsuzM



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6fC0QmQBrY

liberté toujours

running running running
smoking gauloises in my bathtub
snowball fights in chinatown
fancy dinners at mcdonald's 
and when you just forget to eat for a few days because you just can't keep track of your head.


we are writing songs on a sunday afternoon
we are the future
you already forgot your past.
i'm coughing like i have TB
but that's alright.
daddy wakes me up for brunch at 12:47
and i put on last night's clothes and don't even bother looking in the mirror.
i just rub my eyes hard and hope the mascara is still there.


pop a couple advil 
and you'll feel better.
maybe your migraine will go away.
if it doesn't,
just keep sitting in your bathtub
and smoke a few cigarettes.
if you smoke until the filter, 
you'll become sterile.


charlotte told me that.
i believe her.
i found this little jean jacket in toby's basement.
i really like it
even though it's really tiny.
my mom asked me what a capo did.
i just shook my head and sat down.


i had to ramble for ten minutes just now
and i did
and a little later,
i'll post the soundtrack to this post.
because it's a crucial element.
of this post.
i'm going to drive in a rental car now.

this is not a poem

the letters are still scrambled

still scattered

still strewn

not yet bound together

into words

on a page

even on a line

not yet.

so for now

just listen

to what i have to offer

stop reading

and look up 

from your page

at the little white flecks

stuck to your lashes.

FEAR / until the break of day - lemme see you make 'em smile

i have this fear...

this fear of being average.

this fear of sitting behind a desk in a big city with no bright lights.

going home to a suburban bungalow and making instant rice.

this fear of going to bed at 10 o'clock ever night.

and waking up to a clock radio blaring.

attending office christmas parties in an itchy blazer and calf-length skirt.

a fear of people forgetting my name and never knowing what i could have been.

a fear of going out only on special occasions.

and a fear of watching my weight.

a fear of all the things i could have done swirling down the drain.

a fear of dreams and hopes and aspirations evaporating into oblivion.

i'm not afraid to move ahead.

i'm not afraid of the future.

i'm not afraid of a big city with bright lights.

and long nights of chain-smoking in my one and a half with 10 people curled up on my couch.

not afraid of a microphone or a guitar or a camera.

or a blank page or canvas.

i'm not afraid to just drive or get on a bus.

i'm not afraid to be.

i don't fear being in love.

i don't fear risking everything to have my name on a shitty poster on the side of a crumbling building.

i don't fear getting rejected or being told there's better than me.

i fear being average.

and i fear the things that others want for me.

*********************************

with one in my bed 

and one on the couch,

the room is alive with slow sleepy breathing.

i am awake.

always awake.

always aware.

thinking.

breathing.

i know that not so far away, 

you are sleeping.

yellow shadows of paper dolls,

like the blue shimmer of the surface

of a clear swimming pool

in the heat of august.

or the reflections off your taxi

in the april rain.

outlines on the walls

lip-prints on the cans.

i remember your sleepy eyes

nearly closed,

you were smiling.

ever so faintly.

so briefly, 

your sadness replaced by pure vulnerability.

the doors closed

and i walked away.

but it was only a little step.

i can always walk back.

i can always stay awake.

i can always stay aware,

thinking.

breathing.

slip

bixi dream

power 2 the people

it's thursday !


y'all requested music - so here it is.


it's nothing new or too exciting - just my choices as of late.





































(DON'T ASK ME WHY THAT LAST ONE IS SIX FEET UNDER ...)

nawwwwwwww

78 posts
250 packs of cigarettes
2864 songs
& 25 bottles of bombay sapphire later


...


there's me
wearing a black scarf
and smoking a parliament.

thanks to the amazing toby atkin

luv luv will tear us apart, again

december already?
goodness gracious, i haven't written a post like this in months.
i figure i'll talk a little about myself and the world around me instead of posting my frivolous poetry.
but it's so personal when i say it like this.
i don't have original thoughts anymore.
i found myself having writer's block for a while.
surrounding myself with good friends, though, and smoking a lot of cigarettes at metro stations.
but then again, tell me something i don't know.
i haven't thought about the past in a while.
trying not to think about the future, either.
thinking a lot about music.
thinking a lot about starting a band.
playing a show in february with ema hanchet at the yellow door - YOU SHOULD COME !
thinking a lot about not thinking about things.
thinking a lot about trying not to think about thinking about things.
thinking a lot about how confusing i am.
not thinking enough about school.
not thinking enough about myself.


i see the snow and feel the cold and it's almost like a whole new sensation to me.
for some reason, it triggers nothing of past feelings.
surprising, really.
but i just feel so different.
well, obviously i feel different.


i'm so bad at this.
this whole... talking about myself in a straightforward way.
i'd rather stand around and sing a song or something.
i feel like this is a confession or something.
like i have to say something really really important.
well, i probably do.
otherwise it's boring.


what did i used to talk about on this blog?
hmm.
feelings?
ideas?
yeah.
but all that's overrated.


life is just one big ____________ ?


[i couldn't figure out what to say about life.]


here's a little rhyme !


coffee for breakfast
cigarettes for lunch
gin for dinner
sangria for brunch




why?
because i said so.


i don't have enough authority.
or maybe i do.
or maybe i shouldn't have authority.
why should i have authority?


why is my mind going on a massive rampage?




you probably shouldn't read this/
that is if you've gotten this far/
the rest won't make any sense/
it's a ramble/
brace yourself/
a cheerful trainwreck is approaching/




i feel like i'm coasting through it all.
watching everything from a distance.
but not really a distance.
it's like it's kind of blurry.
i never really thought about it.
but now i am.
or at least i'm trying to.


i know everyone gets those feelings of boredom and inadequacy.
i think?
loneliness, too.
everyone seems to be talking about "filling the void" these days.
did the void suddenly become bigger or is everyone simultaneously just realizing it's there?
either way, it's a good thing to make people aware that everyone has it.
and if you think you don't, YOU'RE WRONG.
that's why we're here, for fuck's sake.
to fill the fucking void ! 
(and other things).
i thought that maybe every time something happy happens, a little drop trickles into the void, filling it ever so slightly. 
and that eventually, when there are enough little things, your void is full.
and then i was like, 
wait no.
that's dumb.
because when something shitty happens, EVERYTHING comes draining out.
pouring out.
your void is even more empty than it already was before.
then is the void really fillable?
can your need for something more ever be satiated?
can love, sex, drugs, family, friends, music, art, money, etc. ever make you happy?
does the void even exist?
i don't know.
but what i do know for now, 
is that the void is quite empty.
safe for a few drops of good that have collected over the past while.
and for that, 
i thank those who deserve thanks.
and to the rest of you,
GOOD FUCKING LUCK, MATES !






no more personal personal posts from now on.
they're like drinking and sharpies ; it always ends messy.