waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw

so, i just found this post from a while ago,  i guess when school ended (?????)

i figured i'd post it, cause why not, right ?

done

done

done

done

done

it doesn't feel like it

but just cause you (don't) feel doesn't mean it's (not) there.

y'ever look into someone's eyes and they're empty ?

it's like those weird taxidermy dolls; with the glass eyes.

only it's a person.

they just seem disconnected.

like their soul is right next to them; but not inside.

and when you look at them, it's like looking through a distorted looking glass because they're distant and close and confusing and dead.

dead

dead

dead.

cold and grey and far far far away.

you try to bring them back to life; but it's so hard.

and the harder you try, the closer you get.

the more drained you become.

and the harder it is to awaken them.

~~~

you take a step.

you extend your arm.

extend your finger.

index

thumb

middle

ring

pinky.

your wrist unrolls

you stretch

stretch 

stretch your arm.

as long as it'll go.

and you reach.

reach.

your arm is so far out.

and you almost have it.

you're touching it.

it's right there.

at your fingertips.

so close.

and suddenly,

a gust blows.

your knees give; you're thrown off balance.

you sway left to right

right to left.

your eyes widen and you feel your feet slip.

slip right out from under you.

and suddenly you feel your whole body plummeting backwards.

and you're in the air for so long.

so long.

so long.

wham.

you hit the pavement.

it makes a great big krkshsshsskksshrkshskhrkhskhskhs sound.

and you're down.

and you don't even know what hurts because all you can think of is not being able to reach.

how you missed it.

how if you had reached a little more 

and if that gust of wind hadn't come,

you would have it.

and you wouldn't be sitting on the pavement, 

unable to move.

yeah, i know.

where've i been ?

hello hello hello

it's been awhile.

i haven't been around.

well, i have.

but not really.

i mean ...

okay.

let me start from the beginning.

but i don't know where the beginning is.

i guess the beginning is a long time ago.

ages, even.

before i got lost.

back when i still knew.

knew where i was.

where i had been.

where i was going.

these days i don't know much about anything.

it's been strange.

things with me,

things with them,

things with everyone.

it hasn't been much of a summer, yet.

it hasn't been much of anything except chaos, really.

it's hard to describe without going too much into detail, and i'm

sort of at a loss for words.

but basically, there's been yelling, money, music, drugs, alcohol, drugs, hospitals, exams, no exams, late nights, early mornings, drugs, unexpected encounters, conversations, miscommunications, drugs, anxiety, madness, depression, chinese food, chow mein, bars, parliaments, belmonts, b&h, macdonalds, memories, skins, misunderstandings, cointreau, public transport, exile, taxis, sunrises, confusion, ab

andon, recklessness, lies, cheats, left, poverty, abundance, strangeness, love, happiness, worry, decisions, phonecalls, sunglasses, grizzly bear, explosions in the sky, tv on the radio, radiohead (obviously), interpol, ladytron, kavinsky, passion pit, images, cursive, things i wish i could remember, things i wish i could forget, things i wish i could say, but can't.

i don't remember a time where there was so much turmoil in my head.

not sadness or anxiety, just turmoil, you know ?

it's gotten so complicated.

there are so many decisions.

i'm able to be alone, now.

it's not easy.

but it's easier.

i'd rather not be.

sometimes, things have to not make sense for a while for them to make sense.

and sometimes if things don't make sense, they never will.

there was one night that made sense.

the most incredible/strangest conversation of my life took place.

on another day, i learned that it's better to be safe than sorry.

but that needs a whole other post.

the mountain is lovely.

here are some images from there.

sparkles

imagine sonia

dreamscape

niki's favorite orange shoes

ooooooooooooooo

whoooosh 

i feel the wind in my hair.

driving with the sunroof open.

i see desert all around.

waves of heat emanating from the hot asphalt. 

driving to fast.

all day long.

not thinking.

just driving.

until nightfall.

and still when the sun sets and all i see is an orange glow over the golden sand;

i drive.

the moon slowly rises.

and it illuminates the cacti and the sand dunes and everything all around me is bright.

it's cold. 

but it's fresh.

all i can hear is the roar of the engine and the soft swishing noise of the sand blowing around in the valleys.

and i feel the sides of my lips twist upwards into a grin.

as the adrenaline pumps and my foot presses down onto the gas pedal.

i'm alone.

i'm alone.

i'm alone.

and it feels so good.

as alone as it gets.

out in the middle of nowhere.

the rattlesnakes and scorpions the only beings keeping me company.

i look around.

total emptiness.

amazing.

i feel alive.

amazing.

real.

amazing.

i pull out my ipod.

i pull out speakers.

i plug it in.

select music.

select artists.

select kasabian.

select west ryder pauper lunatic asylum.

select fire.

slide finger to right.

more.

and more.

the sound bounces off the dunes.

the sound bounces off the deep cracks in the dried up ground.

the sound bounces off the mountains.

and whatever is around me.

and i smile.

and then nude comes on.

and it's the most beautiful thing i've ever heard.

and i just stand there.

completely alone.

and it's fucking amazing.

and then i blink.

and i'm back in the classroom.

staring out into the grey june not-quite-summer sky.

now that you found it, it's gone.

... i'm terribly sorry i have no pictures; my card reader thing is somewhere else.

action/reaction

you turn around and all you see is your shadow

and the little dust particles left behind by some beings unknown.

dancing in the light that once shone on those that were there, much like your shadow; now gone.

dreams > reali-T

here are a few completely irrelevant pictures that i feel the need to post.

apple cider

oh the places you'll go (the first in this new series)

la petite sonia

prepackaged you

pull/pulk revolving doors

ah

i was in the metro, alone.

and i started to think ; am i at peace?

am i ever at peace?

will i ever be at peace (besides when i'm dead ... and even then) ?

it's not negative.

but i was just sitting.

on the floor of lionel-groulx.

waiting for the flash of blue and beige and the swoosh noise of the sliding doors. 

and i was feeling.

nothing.

well, almost nothing.

someone knocked on the door in my head.

"let me in, let me in! or i'll huff and i'll puff and i'll blow your house down!"

said the voice behind the door.

and all i could think of was NO.

and i just said no.

and i sat.

and i felt ok.

alone, and ok.

and really, honestly, when does that ever happen?

i wasn't sad or happy or angry or confused.

i was sort of just there.

staring at the orange and yellow spots on the floor.

looking around.

taking it all in.

the best part was, i wasn't inebriated in the least.

just thinking clear.

not thinking hard.

not letting the big bad wolf into my head to fuck it all up.

[insert radiohead reference here]

and it felt okay; not too scary.

i wasn't in denial.

[insert second radiohead reference here]

i wasn't pretending.

or trying to be anything else.

for the first time in well, ever, i almost felt like luna malka.

for a split second, i blinked and i was almost me.

not old me or new me or any me other than the actual me that i'm supposed to have been born as.

it wasn't good ... or bad.

it was like, okay, so now what?

but not now what as in, i need a plan.

now what, as in, i'm one step closer to being able to tackle this.

now what as in, i reeled the rope in a little tiny bit.

[insert third radiohead reference here]

it was like, in new brunswick, on the boat, we did this thing to check the salinity of the water, and you had to put this device on this looo o oo o o o ooo o o ong cord into the water and then you'd reel it in slowly and check the salinity at each meter.

and it sort of felt like the rope was coming in like, a milimeter.

i can talk now.

and be.

and express myself in an (almost) sane way.

but not quite.

it's not some kind of epiphany or revelation.

it's not something that suddenly occurred to me.

it's not immunity.

or sudden maturity.

or anything of the sort.

it's just for the first time ever, i could actually be alone and be okay with it.

not have to distract myself or be angry or frustrated or stressed out.

(it probably helped that my phone was off ?)

and really i could just keep going on and on and on about it, but i don't really feel the need to.

i mean, who am i doing this for (writing, i mean)?

me.

i don't do this for anyone else.

i don't take pictures for anyone else.

i don't care!

of course, it's nice to share thoughts and ideas and images and art and life, but i share with the people that want to share.

people with an open mind.

people who want to know, who are curious, who are willing to take a step out of the big box that everyone seems to be trapped in and look around.

dream, imagine, admire.

watch, learn, invent.

observe, listen, explore.

interpret, think about, contemplate.

that's why i do what i do.

not to piss people off, not to force ideas upon people.

not to entertain people.

not to be judged upon.

just to put it out there.

for the world to stumble upon.

and for those who want to do all those things.

for those who want to step out of their big bubble and take a minute to look around and not just be pleasantly ignorant and in denial of all the big things out there.

it's okay to dream.

it's okay to explore.

it's okay to be and to find and be amazed.

it's okay to not be uptight and straight-laced and shut in.

to take a minute and back away from everything and just be like, okay, so this is the world.

we all live in the world.

we're all here.

so why not enjoy it while it lasts?

why not take the time to get to know it?

to be here and there and everywhere?

it's okay to waste a day.

it'll be made up for one day.

it's okay to think for a minute.

and it's also okay not to.

because just thinking all the time isn't good.

you start to overanalyze and overthink and turn everything into something so much more complicated than it really is.

that's not to say that life is not complex.

oh, life is plenty complex.

and no one can ever quite understand it.

but why try and understand it?

why be stuck in the bubble or the box?

it's called being trapped for a reason.

it's sad that the box exists.

but if it didn't, then how would we know what's really living?

reality can never be real.

reality is not tangible.

dreams are.

you can follow them, chase them, see them, talk about them.

but reality is just there.

sort of maybe happening; sort of maybe not.

don't get me wrong; i'm not being optimistic.

or pessimistic.

i'm almost sort of being objective.

but really, honestly, who the fuck cares?

things come & go.

people come & go.

one day you'll forget all about me.

you'll forget all about this.

you'll forget you even read anything remotely close to this.

but that's what life is.

it's made up of teeny tiny events that in the long run, are just details of a big big big picture.

little particles that make up a huge memory.

if you remembered everything; dwelled on every tiny thing that occurred; 

how would you possibly be able to do anything else?

it's not living in the past; it's being stuck in a moment; but a moment so big and so strong that you wouldn't be able to be in any other moment.

it's lovely, really, to be able to toss it away for a bit.

to empty your baggage and load up some new baggage.

packing lighter and lighter every single time.

it's not forgetting; no!

who would want to forget?

no matter how bad it is, you still want to remember.

it's moving on.

moving forward.

coming to terms with yourself and the world.

of course, no one ever does it.

it's very close to impossible.

but you can try.

and you can do the best you can.

[insert yet another radiohead reference here]

and if you fail, then fuck.

but you make up for it.

some way or another.

you make up for everything.

most of the time.

there will always be those little things you can't make up for.

those little things that stay in the back of your mind.

that turn into regrets.

regrets are part of that baggage.

but everyone has regrets.

even those who tell you that regretting is futile.

that they don't regret; it's a waste of time!

they do.

we all do.

but that's the way it is.

and that's the way it'll always be.

it's human nature.

just the same way that people will always lie, and steal and cheat.

and there's no way to be immune.

what a joke.

in a couple of hours; i'll be back to my pessimistic ways.

until then, i think i'll just be contemplative & far too talkative.

sigh.

smirk.

frown.

horrid horrid sights one can see.

but one mustn't dwell.

one must keep on fuckin' truckin'.

staring at the shadows on my ceiling is where i'll find myself in a few minutes.

i'm well-due for some quality ceiling-staring.

so this'll give you something to munch on for a while.

(quite possibly too much?)

!

k is for kaitlyn

c is for clouds

t is for trees

a is for attitude

f is for fur

g is for goofy

i tried way to hard to write

and it didn't flow.

and now i'm mad because i feel strange for forcing words/feelings out of me.

memory lane is a bad place to be.

it's a place that really likes to fuck you over.

memory lane is nowhere you want to be when you're in a good mood.

or in a bad mood.

or in any mood.

memory lane makes you cringe.

memory lane makes you trip & fall.

memory lane sneaks up on you when you least expect it.

and then you're lost in a maze of forgotten thoughts and blocked-out dreams.

those sounds, smells, tastes, sights that take you there.

they grab you around your neck and drag you against your will.

they take the memories and slap you in the face, until you have no choice but to remember.

you're helpless.

defenseless against yourself.

aren't we all?

it's you vs. you vs. you vs. you vs. you vs. you vs. you.

me vs. me vs. me vs. me vs. me vs. me vs. me vs. me vs. me.

how do you fight yourself if you know all your strengths & weaknesses?

how do you fight yourself if you know you're fighting?

but you don't really want to catch yourself off-guard do you?

i know i don't.

so uninspiring.

too many pictures suck the words out of me.

if a picture is worth a thousand words, then i ain't got words for a while.

(vintage thom - AMAZING)