chaos

it's hard to even begin to explain the past week or so, because the only way i've thought about it is by remarking on its absurdity.

but i haven't really taken a moment to sit down and really really really think about it.

and trying to do that now is close to impossible.

not to mention the fact that most of the things that have happened i cannot mention here.

the past week has been the things you see in movies;

the parties and the conversations

the groups and the music

the activities and the people

the places and the emotions

the intensity and the confusion.

none of it feels real.

only being able to ingest a diet coke and pulling all nighters.

it doesn't feel real.

never looking at the clock, but seeing the sun rising.

never being alone for a single moment, but feeling your heart empty as ever.

playing the same songs over and over again.

spray-painting your body orange.

ordering pizza at 4 a.m. and eating it in the elevator in your pj's and laughing laughing laughing at everyone's bright eyes and dark circles.

forgetting what day it is.

remembering the summers past and how different things are now.

new friendships and faltering ones.

relationships that crash and burn.

and the good moments that you only wish you had on film.

house to dep to house to house to park to dep to house to bus to house to house to park to metro to house to bus to house to house to house to dep to house to bus to park to house to house to park to dep to to to to to to to to to to to .

and you don't think about things.

until one day it all comes back in a whirlwind you cannot escape.

it all comes back; yelling and screaming and crying and begging you for attention.

and what do you do ?

you break.

you snap.

and it's over.

and all the good things you still remember, so fresh in your mind.

they don't matter.

they disappear.

they evaporate and leave instead the ugly, irrefutable truth.

what lay beneath all the love and laughter.

the horrible truth that something else is waiting for you on the other side of that door.

you turn the key in the lock

and you walk in.

"HI!"

no one's home.

you walk into your room.

you drop your bag and look around.

clothes everywhere.

lighters.

books.

cameras.

guitars.

a keyboard.

what the fuck do you do ?

you smoke a cigarette.

you stare off into the distance.

you check your phone.

nothing.

you grab your towel and you turn on the tap.

you look at your eyes in the mirror.

little hazel dots.

the whites all glassy from a lack of sleep.

all you see is a kid.

just this helpless idiot.

a little girl playing dress-up in her mum's clothes.

lost in a department store.

you blink once.

and when you open your eyes you see the tough girl.

the young adult.

the crazy teenager.

the reckless, independent fool you think you are.

you step into the shower.

and let the cold water run down your neck.

a blank stare.

it's not the like the movies.

you don't break down crying.

you don't sink to the floor.

you open the shampoo bottle and lather your hair.

but in the back of your mind, there's fear.

there's that incessant reminder that's it's not over yet.

it's still there.

and it will be until you do something.

because you have to do something.

or else you are fucked.

royally royally fucked.

it's like the movies, man.

how how how how how did you end up like this ?

it's inexplicable.

it's despicable.

and exciting, too.

it's everything you thought you wanted, love.

only, you never knew what you wanted, darling.

"Something is happening here and you don't know what it is, do you, mister jones?"

Bob Dylan - Ballad of a Thin Man

what you want is almost as confusing a question as who you are.

shot down

jungle is tonight

yay

nervous.

tired.

excited.

wish the other night hadn't happened.

i don't know what to say.

i'm frustrated because it never works.

ever.

so i'll keep sitting and i'll keep waiting

because i'm a perseverant gal

i don't know when to quit

but i'm a quitter

i don't know how to deal

so i don't

but i'm like the energizer bunny

and i just keep going

i never stop

chew me up and spit me out because it's all been done before.

i'll dance away the feelings and pour those emotions down the drain.

see you later !

i look like a woman but i (don't) cut like a buffalo

sort of a weird energy.

it's like flowing in your veins.

you're just ... not there.

but in a good way.

you're somewhere else.

somewhere good.

but you're not so sure.

because it's only the beginning.

ball of nerves, ball of energy.

choke

choke

choke

grin.

but you furrow your brows because it's fucking scary.

it's

it's

cool.

don't get carried away, silly.

listen to the music!

(THE DEAD WEATHER; FUCKING AMAZING.)

can't u feel the knife?

(no matter what, i never get tired of grizzly)

take me away in a hot air balloon.

far far away; to a field.

a big open field.

because i'm so sick of everything being so fucking mundane.

like, the sun comes out; okay.

but it rains like, 47 minutes later.

and i'm sick of it.

i'm sick of going on facebook and seeing everyone

's wallposts and pictures and clicking on photos because who doesn't love a good glimpse into other peoples' lives ?

and checking my e-mail and texting

and worrying

and a n a l y z i n g .

not that i'm not having fun.

i am.

that's not a lie.

things are different and almost almost almost looking up.

but not quite yet.

buried deep in thought, i close my eyes and it all resurfaces.

and i change the song and remember the parties and the laughter and the adventures and the music and all the good things.

strum my guitar and click the shutter and move the muscles in my face and be funny and sing a song and take a swig and have a puff and read a page and watch a scene and pick a song and listen to you and roll down the window and go to sleep and have a conversation and walk there and say this and do that and be here and think that and see her and see him and pretend and be you and be them and entertain and be entertained and and and and and and and and

but that's how it is.

and it's not gonna change.

it sucks.

but i'm coming to terms with it.

-ish.

(oh yes, fleet foxes, make me swoon.)

everywhere everywhere there's confusion

and messes

and complicated heart things

but it's so good.

good messes

not messes you fix with brooms.

messes you fix with smiles.

but not in a cheesy way.

i really really hope you know what i mean.

anyhow

i just have this

this feeling.

that you may or may not understand.

but even if you don't

you will someday.

i hope you do

because it makes your skin crawl and your thoughts jumbled

but it makes you smile

and laugh.

the july sun is here

and i think i'll put my sunnies on and head out for a swim.

finally a photo...

thank you astrid, for your camera.

it's a dog's life

the saints who don't wanna be found

[note; i couldn't get the songs i wanted on playlist or seeqpod so just listen to these:

• goodnight bad morning - the kills
• monsters - band of horses
• the end's not near - band of horses
• lay lady lay - bob dylan
• i want you - bob dylan
• deep blue sea - grizzly bear
• weird fishes/arpeggi - radiohead
• in limbo - radiohead
• look into the air - explosions in the sky
• he doesn't know why - fleet foxes
• moth's wings - passion pit
• i would say something from dear science but that was my last playlist.
• in a beautiful place out in the country - boards of canada

... not in that order]

the sun has finally arrived (!)

until now, summer has been nothing but rain, jazzfest, colds, and a little bit of green.

but now, summer has exploded in a whirlwind of intrigue, long bus rides, music, thought, sunshine, hangovers, creativity, and an inkling of hope.

my god, is that optimism ?????

(nope!)

2 and a half hours to get home from baie d'urfe ...

was it worth it ?

yes.

you know when you wake up in an unfamiliar place, but it feels so safe ?

it's like you left all the bad stuff back at home.

some people call it being lost or being homesick or whatever, but i love it.

and then there's doubt, a completely different feeling.

no matter how much you tell yourself something isn't true, you can never dismiss the negative thoughts completely.

it's evil, negativity.

insecurity.

ugh.

anyhow, i guess what i'm trying to say is summer is starting to feel more like summer, and i am starting to feel slightly more complex.

if that makes any sense.

my head is more clear and my head is more cloudy.

but it's okay, because thinking is good.

and not thinking is good, too.

so on that note, i bid you adieu !

no photos, cam still busted.

(F U C K F U C K F U C K F U C K F U C K !)

xx

ugh

i'm not in the mood to be poetic.

i'm fed up.

and irritated.

and my fucking camera is broken.

why the fuck does my camera have to be broken ?

really?

REALLY?

and you know that feeling of like not knowing what to do with yourself?

it's like anxiety mixed with boredom mixed with restlessness mixed with sadness mixed with denial ?

yeah, i realized that that's loneliness.

being lonely isn't fun.

and sometimes, no matter how many people i'm with, it doesn't change the empty feeling inside.

"i'm lost at sea, don't bother me."

radiohead - in limbo

i just feel fake and phony and like a big fat liar sometimes.

it's so easy to put on an act.

to just snap your fingers and smile and be some jolly party animal, when really all you want to do is drink yourself silly and get the fuck outta town.

it's not even like a mask, it's like a legitimate other person.

today, we wrote down all the things we wanted to go away on a piece of paper and wrote "PROBLEMS" in big.

i took a lighter to the paper and watched it burn.

first it didn't want to light.

and then it caught.

and it turned to embers and blew away.

and i said, wow, if only it were that easy.

right?

***

i shouldn't be this tired.

it's fucking summer.

well, not quite.

with all the fucking rain ?

yeah, okay.

***

i finished all three seasons of skins.

so should you.

it's really the best show ever.

***

i'm totally avoiding the point.

word of the day :

evade |iˈvād|

verbescape or avoid, esp. by cleverness or trickery : friends helped him to evade capture for a time | he tried to kiss her, but she evaded him.• (of an abstract thing) elude (someone) : sleep still evaded her.• avoid giving a direct answer to (a question) : he denied evading the question.• avoid dealing with or accepting; contrive not to do (something morally or legally required) : difficulties to be faced and not evaded.• escape paying (tax or duty), esp. by illegitimate presentation of one's finances.• defeat the intention of (a law or rule), esp. while complying with its letter.DERIVATIVESevadable |əˈveɪdəbəl| |iˈveɪdəbəl| adjectiveevader |əˈveɪdər| |iˈveɪdər| nounORIGIN late 15th cent.: from French évader, from Latin evadere, from e- (variant of ex-) ‘out of’ + vadere ‘go.’

okay, so basically, i just need to get away for awhile.

yeah?

sorry i'm complaining so much ...

i know it's extremely annoying.

i'm just venting.

go listen to explosions in the sky, tv on the radio, fleet foxes, radiohead, etc.

bonne nuit.

xx